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As a young boy growing up, my father told me that I must provide for my family by working hard to put a roof over their heads and food on the table. These were values he learned during his youth.

I grew up to learn that there is more expected when raising a family. Such as teaching them how to give love, receive love, and communicate with spiritual love. Being a husband and a father is something you work on every day by acknowledging your wife and children with simple words; good morning, I love you, have a blessed day! Let them know how important they are in your life by being an example of spiritual love.

Your wife should be your focus everyday. Make sure she feels your love during the good and during the bad times of your relationship. I personally learned the hard way…by doing the opposite and then losing her after twenty five years. The following statement is so true: “You don’t know what you have until you’ve lost it”. I didn’t realize Gods gift to me until after I lost her. You should love your wife with the same passion you felt when you first seen her. Your heart felt love when you kissed her for the first time.

So how did I lose my one? I do believe the reason why I lost her is that I started focusing on loving worldly things, living of flesh, and stopped living spiritually. I remember telling my children, “Keep your relationship with love, and remember to continue dating throughout your relationship.” How sad to say, buy I never took my own advice. If I could turn back the time, I would tell her how beautiful she is, embrace her with a kiss, and tend to her needs everyday. I would not follow in the foot steps before me and instead use the principles that create a loving relationship.

I started to focus on my needs, which separated me from my wife and children. This is why it is so important to have spiritual guidance in your relationship. With spiritual guidance your relationship receives love, joy, peace, forgiveness, understanding, and commitment. Everyday is a challenge and life’s journey may have many difficulties, but love endures all. Love your spouse like you would want to be loved. Men are the leaders of their house, and everyone looks to them for guidance. We must lead them with spiritual love and guidance so as to create a Godly Loving Home. It is never too late to change but you must be a willing vessel to except change, so that you may recover what you lost in time. Spiritual growth allows others to see the change within you.

‘Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.’
1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

Paul Romero

Sample Chapter 1

January 15, 2011

(a caregiver’s cheat sheet)

I was motivated to put together a cheat sheet on some things I have recently been forced to learn. I don’t know how useful this will be, but here are my thoughts, in no particular order. And keep in mind that this is a man’s view, so feelings are sometimes optional.

I honestly don’t know how some people do this alone. I truly believe that people can die from falling into the cracks. As well-intentioned as our doctors, nurses and medical institutions are, there are wide cracks that patients can fall into where they suffer in some lonely solitude, waiting for a phone call or a prescription from an overloaded medical professional who, in their own human frailty, forgot, or never wrote.

I function as Carole’s advocate. I force communication between doctors. I build a team. Receptionists know my name. Pharmacists and their staff ask how Carole is when I pick up scripts. Even nurses, technicians, on-call doctors, nurses’ aides, anyone who becomes a part of Carole’s care for more than a few minutes is brought up to speed, and is made to feel a part of the treatment. There is no one of insignificance in my wife’s treatment. I try to show respect for their expertise, and in return I get their best efforts.

You have to have mercy on doctors. They’ve spent 12 years of their lives in school getting an MD. As much as they may have a compassionate world view, they only know what they treat, not who they treat. It is up to you to teach them. Speak for your spouse. You’d be surprised at how stoic some people get in front of a medical professional. Tell the doc what YOU saw and HOW she really felt. In many cases, it’s the only honest thing the doc hears in the appointment, especially early in the diagnosis stage.

Guys, when you married your spouse, you didn’t just take her hand in marriage, you got her whole Barbie collection. There is the Happy Spouse Barbie, the Angry Spouse Barbie, the Shy Spouse Barbie, the I Want to Fight Barbie, the I’m Ready to Kiss and Make Up Barbie, etc. We only have a fighting chance when we recognize which Barbie we’re dealing with and act accordingly.

None of that valuable experience helps in this situation.  There is no Barbie for this. You will see your wife, perhaps for the first time, as the naked, vulnerable soul that she really is, and your only purpose in life from that point on is to protect her.

I’m serious. When you actually see how fragile this woman really is, you are born again. You become a new being with a single purpose. You are part warrior, part defender, part comforter, part student, part nurse, but fully focused on one thing: her.

And keep in mind that this new being you have become is disposable. You were designed to survive wounds and stress you never imagined you could withstand. You don’t have armor, but you now have the ability to shed your skin and keep going. Rest for her is recouping strength and healing.  Rest for you is optional.

You have no idea how much strength is inside you. Take my word for it, when you need it, it will be there.

Build a wall around her. Filter who gets in, how long they stay and what they say.  Don’t allow opinion, speculation or ignorance to weaken her. I don’t care how well-intentioned someone is, I don’t want my wife wasting energy listening to miracle cures, trendy diets or local shamans. There is a door to your house. Feel free to use it at this time. Lock it when they leave.

Keep everyone informed with the least amount of energy used by you. Sorry, individual phone calls are out of the question, there are just too many people to update. I use an email list, one email that sends the same message to everyone.  If someone doesn’t have email, then so be it. Ask someone on the list to keep that person informed; your energy needs to be focused on one, not many.

Her care is not an example of democracy in action. Listen carefully and then decide. When it’s their turn, they will understand. Or not.

Manage the meds. She honestly doesn’t remember that she took her pills two hours ago. All she knows is that it hurts.

As much as it may pain others, only you understand her most intimate communications.  The brave face she puts up for friends and family is just a mask, and only you can see through it. Don’t ignore what you see.  Get her to sanctuary, even if she protests.  Sometimes she buys into her own bullshit and denies to herself how much it hurts. Take the beating later, but get her the hell out of there now.  She will only suffer more the longer she stays. And hurting someone else’s feelings in the process of escape is collateral damage, acceptable loss. Don’t try to save everyone, just her.

Your tears are worthless.  They don’t solve anything; they only undermine the strength and trust your spouse sees in you.  If you have to (and you will), do it on your own time and in your own space.

You don’t need to be strong in every moment, just this moment.

The picture at the top of this chapter is my wedding ring.

You Mean, Besides the Cancer? will be available for order January 2012!

For more information on Fresno resident Bob Marcotte (author) and his soon to be released book please visit http://besidesthecancer.org/

Sarah co-owns Testament Tattoo & Bazinga! Beauty on East Shields Avenue with Josh Newman. The tattoo parlor opened in March 2010 and Sarah began working as Josh’s apprentice, performing her first tattoo on her trusting mentor. Sarah then signed on as Josh’s partner and expanded the shop to include Bazinga! Beauty where Sarah does hair cuts, color, and extensions.

Sarah’s parents are each others’ first loves and continue to have a strong marriage. She has one 16 year old sister, with whom she says she is very close. Sarah’s parents noticed her artistic talents at a young age and arranged for her to receive classical training in the arts from the age of seven until she was 16. She has experience with various artistic media including painting, drawing and sculpture.

As a child Sarah says she was “silly, boy-crazy, and obnoxious.” She was bullied throughout her junior high and high school years for dressing differently and listening to different types of music. Sarah mentioned that although being bullied was very hurtful and at times overwhelming, it motivated her to make her dreams a reality. She says she has always been passionate about art and music. Another of Sarah’s passions is musical theater, as she mentioned that she is “obsessed” with the musical “Rent.”

Sarah graduated from Bullard High School in 2006 and began modeling for bridal runway shows at the age of 17. She then went to the Paul Mitchell cosmetology school and began doing hair modeling. Sarah has also done some work with alternative modeling that features heavily tattooed women.

Sarah did her first tattoo at the age of 22 and says that the most rewarding thing about tattooing is that “I get the opportunity to put a piece of my artwork permanently on a person. Seeing their response – happiness, joy, excitement – that makes me feel good.”

As a Fresno-based artist, Sarah says she is inspired by the art scene in different areas of the city, including the beautiful murals in the Tower District. She appreciates that the city is family-oriented and diverse. As a person who has spent most of her life in Fresno, Sarah says, “I can’t imagine settling anywhere else. This is home to me.”

Sarah also has a heart for charity work and has plans to get the community motivated to join her in her efforts. She wants to get the shop involved by donating part of the proceeds from pink ribbon tattoos to breast cancer research foundations. Sarah also promotes an annual event in the Tower Theatre called “The Pink Show” that donates part of its proceeds from live music and a silent auction to breast cancer charities.

It is inspiring to see a young woman pursue her goals with strength, confidence and compassion. As Sarah-Rochelle Fisher follows her dreams she will continue to inspire the community that helped shape her into the talented young woman she is today.

Just as there is more to a Grizzlies’ baseball game than pitching and hitting, there is more to the Grizzlies organization. Many people think that the team shows up in April to start their baseball season and disappears in August after the season ends. Nothing could be further from the truth. The Grizzlies are a huge part of the Central Valley community and give back to this area in a big way. Fresno is their home, and in the same way as Central Valley fans support the Grizzlies, the Grizzlies support the Central Valley.

The team has established the Fresno Grizzlies’ Community Fund, which is their non-profit community arm. The organization’s main outreach focuses on getting kids excited about reading. They have established a literacy program called Parker’s Wild About Reading, Parker being the team’s big fuzzy yellow bear mascot. Wild About Reading’s purpose is to turn kids on to how much fun it is to read. The 2012 goal is to get 100,000 students into the program and reading, from Kindergarten through sixth grade in the Valley. According to Danielle Witt, Fresno Grizzlies Director of Community Relations, “The Wild About Reading program is the most comprehensive literacy campaign in the Valley and our most invaluable community program.”

Fresno has a sizable population of children and citizens with special needs, be it a physical or mental disability. The Grizzlies literally “stepped up to the plate” and have started the Junior Grizzlies program, which gives an opportunity for those with special needs to participate in the great game of baseball. About 130 players with a variety of disabilities are involved in the Junior Grizzlies program, which forms a league of several teams. The games and league are noncompetitive, with the emphasis on the pure enjoyment of playing the game of baseball.

The Junior Grizzlies have built what they call “The Field of Dreams” at Gateway High School in Clovis in cooperation with Clovis Unified School District, which also uses the field for many of its Special Education events. Donors who made the project possible are not only the Grizzlies’ Community Fund, but the Paul Fansler Foundation, SC Johnson and St. Agnes Medical Center. The diamond is special in that it is rubberized in order to ensure the safety of all Junior Grizzlies players, and is truly one of a kind.

Each year, as a thank you to its approximately 500 season tickets holders, the Grizzlies have a party around the Christmas holidays. Attendees are asked to donate an unwrapped toy. These gifts are then given directly to a charity in a unique way. Staff, along with Parker the mascot, distribute the gifts directly to the children at different charity sites such as The Marjorie Mason Center. This toy giveaway is called Parker’s Gift Giving Tour, and brings joy to many less fortunate children in the Central Valley.

The major charity of Minor League Baseball is Big Brothers-Big Sisters. The Grizzlies support and are heavily involved in this program, with eight players working as Big Brothers to eight underprivileged children. This is quite a commitment by the players and the team to our community.

During the season, the Grizzlies work to bring over 500 charities to the fans as they attend the games. The thrust of this is to make the community aware of the many charities and their missions throughout the greater Central California area. This is done in many ways. On game days, as you stroll the concourse of Chukchansi Park, you are able to chat with representatives of many different charities including St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital, the Poverello House in Fresno, and other well known charities. The Grizzlies also have their team jersey auction where the players wear jerseys during the game that feature a well-known charity and the jerseys are then auctioned off after the game to fans. Jerseys have featured Junior Achievement, Fresno State University, The Disabled American Veterans, and Fresno Pacific University, just to name a few.

The Grizzlies are more than just another form of entertainment that comes, does their thing, and leaves after their season is over. They are dedicated to this community and its quality of life, and they are here to stay!

“No one ever dreams and plans to have a sick child…how quickly dreams fade away as the reality of life with a sick child sets in. Words cannot express how Make-A-Wish has given new hope and strength to our entire family.”

Wish Parent

The Make-A-Wish Foundation believes that children are energized by a wish and that a wish enables a child to imagine, plan, anticipate and eventually rejoice in its fulfillment. A wish is also a moment of joy, fantasy and laughter in the midst of a darker time in a child’s life and in the life of the child’s family.

Wish kids are just like your kids, my kids, your grandkids, or the neighbor kids. They want to laugh and be silly, run outside and play with their friends. The difference is that their childhood has been placed on hold. Instead of carefree days of toys and games, their hours are filled with appointments, countless tests, needle sticks, rounds of chemo, surgeries, and long nights away from home.

Wish kids endure the stress of prolonged medical treatment as well as the pain and fear of their illness. Their siblings are often sidelined by the care required for the sick sibling, and their parents face the stress of hiding their own heartbreak in order to support the family.

By providing a special wish experience, the Make-A-Wish Foundation provides a much needed dose of hope, strength and joy to the entire family. The Foundation takes care of all the planning and all costs associated with the wish. Whether it’s meeting their favorite celebrity, going on a shopping spree, swimming with dolphins, or any number of special wishes, the wish experience can give back what the illness takes away. It can help a child forget about being sick, and inspire him or her to keep making plans for the future. Making a “wish” provides an opportunity for imagination and hope to take flight, and replaces thoughts of treatments and hospital visits.

The Make-A-Wish Foundation of Central California is a chapter of the national organization Make-A-Wish Foundation of America that was founded in 1980 after 7 year old Christopher realized his dream of becoming an honorary police officer, complete with his very own uniform and badge.  Chris’s extraordinary wish served as the inspiration for the largest wish granting organization in the world. The Make-A-Wish Foundation now has 62 chapters in the United States and its territories and 36 international affiliates. Over 213,000 wishes to date have been granted worldwide.

The Central California Chapter of the Make-A-Wish Foundation was founded in 1986 and over the course of 26 years has granted more than 1,600 wishes, serving children in the counties of Fresno, Inyo, Kern, Kings, Madera, Mariposa, Merced and Tulare.

The Foundation covers all of the expenses associated with the fulfillment of the child’s wish, which on an average amount to between $5 and $6,000. These funds are raised through volunteers, individuals and corporations in the Central Valley and the Foundation receives no government funding.

There are fun and creative ways that the community can help. For example, Kids for Wish Kids is a program in which local students are helping to raise funds for local kids’ wishes. Another example is the Adopt-A-Wish program in which companies can sponsor a kid’s wish. Also, the Make-A-Wish Foundation^® is a national beneficiary for Macy’s Thanks for Sharing program. When you use your Macy’s card, now through December 31, you can help grant wishes while accumulating rewards for your purchases. Macy’s also raises money for the Foundation through Believe, an inspirational campaign that last year generated a $1 million donation from Macy’s through children’s letters to Santa.

“We never turn away a medically eligible child,” said Diana Rambo, Executive Director. In an effort to dispel a prevalent misconception, Rambo stressed that even though the selected children suffer from life-threatening medical conditions, they do not have to be terminally ill. “Most of our children who receive wishes go on to live normal lives,” she said.

My wish changed my life because I realized that I don’t have to look at myself as someone who is sick all the time. Make-A-Wish gave me hope at a time when I needed it most. This experience is something that I will remember for the rest of my life.”

Wish Child

It is usually many simple acts that contribute to the big picture of making a child’s wish come true. I encourage you, the reader, to Like the Facebook fan page of Make-A-Wish Foundation of Central California Chapter. This will allow for you to stay abreast on how you can be part of local events. Also, it will allow you to hear adorable wish kid stories and keep you informed about volunteer opportunities.

www.centralca.wish.org

I say “massage,” but don’t be deceived – this is no spa day with soothing oils and sweet-smelling salts. We’re talking chiropractic, deep tissue, no-knot-is-safe “assault style” massage, where my masseuse’s hands become heat-seeking missiles for lactic acid. Where a full hour is needed to “work up” to the big ones. And where each satisfying crunch is celebrated by my masseuse and me.

Hannah loves breaking up knots as much as I do, and also shares my love of (trying to!) live a balanced, healthy life – and dismay at how hard it can be. We swap stories about the positive things we’re doing – my Saturday morning whole grain baking sessions with my son; her weekend making beans; how I resisted eating everything set before me at the Big Fresno Fair.

But as I lie on the table, I’m also flooded with thoughts of all the things I have to do that day – editing my “Golf Tips” story, booking an interview on local wine, posting a blog about pumpkins at Simonian. And that’s just at work.

It’s funny how you can become so wrapped up in life that you forget to focus on what’s important. I’m so busy chasing after my son, making a healthy dinner, keeping the house straight, and pleasing my bosses, that I forget to make time for myself and my husband (notice how he was glaringly left off that list).

When I was younger, there were so many interests – from crafts and band, to swim team and tennis. The saddest part of growing older was narrowing those down. Now as I turn 30, I know which are most important, and still can’t fit them in. Why don’t I play golf on Sundays with my husband? Why aren’t I going to the mountains more? Why aren’t my Friday nights devoted to pizza and Friday the 13ths?

I’ve finally learned (thanks to my hubby) that I have to make small changes so I don’t burn out. That means the checklists are gone, and the little things are in – like dropping and doing 20 whenever I think of it, and skipping that last bite of PB&J (although low sugar and all natural!) left on my son’s plate.

As Hannah cracks another knot, I think, “Man, if this is what’s happening to my muscles, what’s stress doing to the rest of my organs? What if I’d been ‘too busy’ for this, too, and had let these knots build up even more? What else is building in my life that I’m discounting?”

I remember watching a Father Dowling Mystery when I was younger, where a guy in a wheelchair gets poked by a stick and doesn’t know he’s bleeding to death. I’ll never forget thinking that as much as we hate physical pain, it’s actually a precious lifesaving device.

So as I do “yoga breaths” to get through the pain of breaking down the knots, I’m grateful for the reminder to take care of myself – and the warning of more excruciating agony dare I skip this, too.

I’m always amazed at how getting everything aligned makes me notice so sharply the things I do wrong – the weight of my handbag, the tension when I drive, the hunching when I type… things I would have ignored before. This one small change has led to living more consciously.

So as I move into this next decade of life, I hope that by sticking to the small things – like Fridays at home and weekends with my husband – I’ll feel the pain when those things are missed, and be sharply reminded that things are out of whack, rather than waking up ten years later and thinking, “So this is life?”

Near his 13th birthday, he met folks who had come into his neighborhood, members of a church group.  The young youth pastor was well received by the kids in the community and, in time, Austin became a fan.  On the verge of joining a local gang, the youth pastor came along at just the right time.  Rather than turning left, Austin made a hard right turn, and we do mean right.  His life became one of purpose and belonging.  But before a year had passed, Austin was abused by this pastor and his world changed overnight.  Suddenly, and again, there was no one there for him.

Within weeks of this abuse, his mother left her fifth “husband,” moving out of the house, leaving both the “husband” and Austin behind, never to be heard from again.  He was now living with a man he did not know while he dealt with the ugliness of the abuse and the reality that his mother no longer cared for him.

He went to the streets, joined a gang, and bought a gun.  Within six months, he had been arrested for a drive by shooting, killing one man and wounding six others, here in Fresno. He was 14 years old, at the time.  He is currently in prison and his life is a mess.

None of us can read this story and come away feeling that Austin is solely at fault for his sad circumstance.  He was a child, not capable of responding to the tragedy that was his early life.  Our concern is not with the fact that at age 14, he was tried and convicted as an adult.  Do we excuse him for his “adult” decisions and let him walk the streets?  Of course not, but we must never allow ourselves, as a community, to excuse his very existence and pretend that he no longer matters.  We must never fail to see that Austin is, in a sense, a representative “child at risk.”  At differing levels, Austin’s story is that of hundreds of young people, all living right here in Fresno.

Hillary Clinton once wrote something with which most can agree, “It takes a village to raise a child.”  While we might argue about how this fact should be applied, it remains true that we, as the larger community, have a responsibility to those who live within the community, especially those who a) cannot care for themselves, and b) are members of the “parentless youth” running wild on our streets.

From time to time Family First will examine this issue with a view to offering dynamic and citizen-centered solutions.  Fortunately the Fresno community offers a number of such meaningful opportunities.  Over the years, community leaders have organized efforts that range from work experience and guidance programs to in-prison counseling procedures.  Somewhere between the two organized efforts lies a program known to our community as VORP.

Since 1982, the Victim Offender Reconciliation Program (VORP) has been bringing victims and offenders together in safe mediation or family group conference settings to permit the offender to take responsibility for his or her actions, to make things as right as possible with the victim, and to be clear about future intentions.

A more definitive description includes these thoughts:  VORP offers legal solutions to first time offenders, solutions that bring “victims” and first time offenders together in such a way as to create a path away from youth crime and into responsible activity.  The young offender has the opportunity of seeing – up close and personal – the result of his/her crime.  In bringing offenders and victims together, the misguided and guilty youth meets with and listens to victims as they detail the effects of the crime and the distress it caused.  The victim, on the other hand, hears a heartfelt apology and the youth’s plan to restore or provide restitution. More than 80% of first time offenders coming into this program never “recommit” again.  They stay out of the “system.”  They remain crime-free.

This program is always looking for volunteers and offers a very savvy training program, equipping those who complete the training with effective restorative strategies.  If you can read this article, you probably qualify for training.  There are several paths to qualification as a mediator, but $40 offers the least expensive pathway.  Call (559) 455-9803 for more information on mediator training.

Think about it.  Austin could be someone you know and he needs your help right now.